The Imposter Syndrome
This weekend I will be away participating in a think-tank Socratic colloquium at the Acton Institute in Grand Rapids on “Religion, Liberty, and Culture.” It’s a 3-day discussion for clergy and professors on economics, government, liberty, and the free market from a Christian perspective. In preparation, I read about 250 pages of Augustine, Aquinas, Kuyper, De Tocqueville, James Madison, papal encyclicals, and other political philosophers and economists. A moderator will guide our discussions throughout the talks but the colloquiums center on our discussions.
This is my 6th Acton colloquium, which they like to call an “intellectual retreat.” The only problem is every time I go, I spend most of the time feeling inadequate. Half the time, I cannot even figure out where the other 14 participants are getting their ideas. Despite these feelings of insignificance, I just kept plugging away, trying to add some value to the discussion and hoping that no one would notice that I did not measure up.
The last time I attend a colloquium (before COVID), I cautiously admitted to the folks eating dinner at my table that I felt like an imposter the entire time. Then one by one, something unexpected happened. Each of them admitted that they, too, felt the same way. They felt like they were imposters. Like they didn’t measure up and that they were all hoping that no one would notice.
Have you ever felt that way? Like an imposter? Like you were not measuring up? Wondering when people around you would figure out that you did not belong at the big people’s table and trying to deal with your insecurity and shame?
Psychologists have a name for the internal dialogue generated by these questions - Imposter Syndrome.
Imposter Syndrome is the mental state of convincing yourself that you are a vocational fraud, without the skill or competency necessary to contribute substantively, and living in fear that you will eventually be exposed. Studies show that over 70% of professionals are said to experience Imposter Syndrome. As one who has pastored in a university city, a large business-oriented city, and now a city filled with some of the most highly educated and accomplished people in the world, I can confirm that Imposter Syndrome is rampant.
Despite the bona fides required to serve and lead here, Washington makes many of us feel like we are imposters. It seeps into every aspect of life assessment: our jobs, our education, and even our parenting. We have come to believe that we must measure up – not just to the standards of others, but even our own, often higher, standards.
It is one thing to feel like we don’t measure up. It is another thing to actually not measure up. And what if, instead of your boss telling you you don’t measure up, it’s Jesus?
That is exactly what Jesus says in the hours before his arrest.
Exposing our weakness(es)
26 And when they had sung a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olives. 27 And Jesus said to them, “You will all fall away, for it is written, ‘I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered.’ 28 But after I am raised up, I will go before you to Galilee.” 29 Peter said to him, “Even though they all fall away, I will not.” 30 And Jesus said to him, “Truly, I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows twice, you will deny me three times.” 31 But he said emphatically, “If I must die with you, I will not deny you.” And they all said the same.
The announcement of Jesus is universal, emphatic, and devastating. “You will all fall away.” This is Jesus’s final interaction with the disciples he has trained before his arrest. These are the men he has trained, labored with, and loved for the last three years. Jesus’ message to the disciples and their leader, Peter, is clear “You won’t measure up. You are not as good as you think you are or say you are, and you are all going to let me down.”
Fortunately, the gospel offers a solution to both our feelings of not measuring up and the impact of actually not measuring up. Because the core of the gospel is Jesus loves you despite your weakness. But for us to understand that Jesus loves us in our weakness, we must acknowledge that Jesus exposes our weakness. As he did with the disciples.
Jesus exposes their naiveté. The disciples thought they were stronger than they were. That is why Peter was so quick to say that he would not fall away. But as Augustine says, “God knows in us even what we do not know in ourselves.”
Jesus also exposes their arrogance. You have to love the reply by Peter. In an effort to distinguish and distance himself (as he has done so many times), he says, “Even though they all fall away, I will not.” See how quickly Peter was willing to throw his friends under the bus to make himself look good? He believes that if anyone is able to bear up under the weight of what is coming, it will be him.
Jesus exposes their fickle commitment. When Jesus responds to Peter, he states definitively that he will indeed deny him three times before the rooster crows twice. Peter’s response is to double down by saying emphatically, “If I must die with you, I will not deny you. And they all said the same.” Mark conveys Peter’s words with the most powerful emphatic negation available in Greek – this will never happen! But we all know how that turned out.
In effect, Peter has called upon his inner Rick Astley. Thanks to social media, you all know Rick Astley, whose song lyrics live on in an Internet phenomenon known as “Rick-Rolling.” You click on some story or video, and after a few seconds, you get a 1980’s video of red-headed Rick Astley singing, “Never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down, Never gonna run around and desert you, Never gonna make you cry, Never gonna say goodbye, Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.”
Peter is pledging undying allegiance before his denial. Peter’s words are emphatic as A-Rod (steroids), Lance Armstrong (doping), and Bill Clinton (an affair), and a host of other noted celebrities who strongly denied the reality of their lives. Although Peter’s failure was yet to come, he honestly believed his words and said them for the same reason as the discredited celebrities. He desperately wanted to measure up and did not want to be exposed as an imposter to everyone because he feared the rejection and shame that would come with that reality.
The Bondage of Imposter Syndrome
Imagine coaching a team of kids in baseball and telling each one of them when they go up to bat, “You are going to strike out and let me down.”
Can you imagine how crushing that would be? So why would Jesus do this? How could this possibly be part of Jesus’ plan for their lives? Because Jesus is not your tee-ball coach, he is the author and perfector of your faith. He is the creator of the universe and the one who holds all things together. He is the promised anointed one of Israel. He is the prophet, priest, and king all rolled into one. He is the Son of God and the Lamb of God, and he came so that we might be set free from bondage. Bondage comes from the fear of not measuring up, the shame of not measuring up, and the penalty of not measuring up. We all want to measure up and we all want to succeed in what is expected of us. But we all know that is so often impossible!
How many of you have pledged to be a better spouse? How many of you have pledged to be a better parent? How many of you have pledged to be a better child? How many of you have pledged to be a better student? How many of you have pledged to be better employers? How many of you have pledged to be better workers?
We all know that despite our best efforts and certain belief in our ability to measure up, we have often failed. At times, those failures, those markers of our inability to measure up, those times that our feeling like imposters has been confirmed, have left us with only guilt and shame. And that is a horrible place to live.
Is this passage just about exposing our weaknesses? Not exactly, but it is the starting point!
A rescue from weakness
The disciples missed the most important thing that Jesus said. Immediately after exposing that they were all weaker than they thought they were and that he was going to be struck down, he promised them something incredible, “But after I am raised up, I will go before you into Galilee.” Notice that once again, no one picks up on Jesus stating that he will rise from the dead.
Why is that significant? Because if Jesus was just another prophet with grand ideas about what it meant to be fully human, about how to love your neighbor, and how to live a good life, then his death on the cross would have only been a tragic ending to an at best - ethical life, and at worst – completely deluded life.
But that’s not who Jesus is. The Jesus speaking to them was the son of God, the rightful King of the throne of David, and the one who had come to rescue people from the bondage of their sins (not the Romans). His bodily resurrection declared that all he said was true and that the rescue was complete!
We all need that rescue because “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” You can read that Scripture however you want, but at the end of the day, it only means one thing – it exposes the fact God has a standard, and you don’t measure up. Our sin separates us from God, but his resurrection rescues us from that penalty because he has paid the price for us not measuring up.
If they were able to measure up, they would not need the gospel. They would be able to get by on their efforts and merit. If they just work hard enough, if they just achieve enough, they will be enough. This is where so many of us serving and leading in Washington find ourselves every day. It happens when the Legislative Director asks for our input on a policy position, when we are asked to speak at a conference, when we start a new job, and even in forums when the floor opens for questions.
What drives our need to measure up?
Why do we try to measure up? As Christians, we are called to offer our work as worship to God so we should take our efforts seriously. Therefore, it is appropriate to do our best and what we are called to do. Doing well also makes us feel good and accomplished. Finally, it shows caring, love, and commitment. All of those things are right and good and godly.
The solution to this problem is not to set the bar as low as possible. Instead, the solution is to grasp for the gospel when you do not measure up in your work, in your marriage, in your studies, and in your walk as a disciple of Christ. Because the striving to make it on our own saps our strength, and the guilt and shame that we take on in those failures weakens us. Thankfully Jesus rescues us from that.
The heart of the gospel is that “while we still sinners Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8). That means Jesus chose to love you knowing you did not measure up.
Exchanging Imposter Syndrome for Faithful Presence
An incredible blessing of applying the gospel to Imposter Syndrome is that we get real-world benefits right now.
All of these disciples were about to experience the harsh reality of their own weakness. The fact that they were naive, arrogant, and fickle was going to be exposed in a cosmic drama that had been playing out for millennia. They would all fall away. They would all be scattered. Even Peter, our would-be, wanna-be hero, would do exactly what Jesus said he would do. As they watched Jesus die, they would all be left in that place – with the reality of their human weakness exposed and the crushing weight of guilt and shame settling in upon them. Each of them knew that not only were they imposters, but everyone around them knew that they were imposters. Until Jesus rose again.
After his resurrection, Jesus went to meet his disciples in Galilee. To meet with them and to eat with them. To teach them all that Scripture has said about them. to empower them with his Holy Spirit and get them to leave the upper room “where the doors have been locked for fear of the Jews” (John 20:19 and 26) so they could be his “witnesses in Jerusalem, and Judea, and Samaria, and even to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:8).
How did these weak people open those doors and endure what they endured? In realizing their weakness, they were able to embrace their true strength – the Grace of Christ!
We are all aware of the shortcomings within us. Yet, that is often what we focus on - ourselves. And this is the heart of our issue. This point is best seen in the fact that immediately after Jesus tells them that they will all fall away and be scattered, he tells them that he will rise again - a point which they completely miss because they are focusing on themselves. The gospel says that it is precisely because of the fact that we cannot measure up that Jesus goes to the cross. And, the gospel also declares that in His resurrection, Jesus announces that we are set free from measuring up as a means of acceptance!
The main lesson here is in how Jesus moves us to a deeper level of whole-life discipleship through exposing our own shortcomings. By letting us know that he knows we will fail. But instead of rejecting or shaming us, he loves us and welcomes us into his kingdom. What Jesus seeks to do is to use the gospel to push us from reliance on ourselves and the perceptions of others to reliance on Jesus.
Exchanging imposter syndrome for the acceptance of the gospel is what moves us from the feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and shame, and the exhaustion of trying to impress others into a posture of faithful presence. Moving into a posture of faithful presence allows us to flourish as we participate in Christ’s mission of making all things new because we know that Jesus has invited us to participate, despite our weaknesses.
Now, off to that next meeting.