Narcissism in Leadership
Rev. Michael Coggin
Note: This essay is from the author's forthcoming book, On Spiritual Abuse, and this excerpt was was given to Faithful Presence for pre-publication use in this edition of the Presence journal.
Over the last few years, followers of Christ and those outside of the church have come to learn of many heartbreaking high profile cases of spiritual abuse. These cases have been characterized by leadership that was manipulative, unwilling to be held accountable, and often used fear to control those under their authority. For every prominent situation, there are countless stories that go untold, many times with the wounded left to process the abuse on their own. Spiritual abuse has sadly become an epidemic that permeates our churches and Christian organizations.
Having sat under and served with pastors and leaders who have a deep love for the Lord as well as His people, I know that most of these leaders do not abuse their sheep. These leaders recognize the responsibility of caring for and protecting the flock as a shepherd, pointing them to Christ as King, not themselves. As we listen to the stories of the countless wounded, though, we can no longer ignore the growing epidemic of bullying, narcissistic leadership, and spiritual abuse in our communities. No one should leave church feeling manipulated, controlled, shamed, or condemned.
This book has been written out of my own personal and professional experiences as a therapist and a pastor who has served in the local church. One of the features of this book is that it includes sections throughout, telling the stories of other men and women as well who have battled spiritual abuse in their marriages, their places of work, the mission field, and sadly, in the church. These men and women come from a broad range of life stages and backgrounds. These are real stories, but the names and certain details have been changed to protect their identities. This book includes stories from pastors, professors, counselors, and ministry leaders in churches and para-church organizations. These people told their stories for this book in order to help you know that you’re not alone. With the prevalence of spiritual abuse, my hope is that we, as followers of Christ, would seek to love and lead in the church in a way that would help make it a place of redemption and healing.
Several years ago, I was asked to give my perspective on spiritual abuse to a group of men on a shepherding committee. This committee had been tasked with determining if a suspended pastor that had been meeting with the committee for several months could be reinstated to a position in ministry. He had been removed from his position after several years of bullying his staff and other pervasive patterns of spiritual abuse over a period of years. I had been able to talk with numerous elders, staff, lay leaders, and members of the congregation who had personally experienced these patterns of abuse from the former pastor. Fairly early in our conversation, one of the committee members bluntly asked me,
“Isn’t spiritual abuse just a made up term by people from the millennial generation who’ve gotten their feelings hurt?” My response to this deeply discouraging question seemed to fall unsurprisingly on deaf ears. Through this book, as we look at lessons learned from those who have experienced this form of abuse and the systems it creates, it’s helpful to first unpack the question, “What is spiritual abuse?”
Abuse is a pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the spiritual abuser keeps their target subordinated and under their control. Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. It is characterized by a systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behavior in a religious context. Spiritual abuse works both ways: congregations can abuse pastors and pastors can abuse congregations and congregants. In addition, congregants can abuse one another. Spiritual abuse can have a deeply damaging impact on those who experience it. Often this abuse takes the form of manipulation and exploitation of others with no regard for them as image-bearers of God. Whether it’s the use of fear and shame, an unwillingness to be under accountability, or punishing anyone who questions the system, spiritual abuse has devastating and long-lasting impacts. In our counseling practice my wife and I work daily with people who have experienced the pain of spiritual abuse.
The amount of stories we hear from people in the church, seminaries, mission agencies, and Christian organizations where spiritual abuse is part of their experience is staggering. Some of these clients and friends grew up in households with a spiritually abusive parent, and others have experienced deep betrayal from a spouse. Almost all of them wrestle with the voice of fear, shame, and a disorienting suspicion of Christian community. They are bombarded with lies from the enemy. These messages of propaganda tell them the lie that healing from spiritual abuse is not possible. They often believe the lie that their abuse is their fault. Those who have been abused can fear that if they honestly share their story of hurt, it would be a betrayal to the abuser with whom they still feel hopelessly attached to. My hope as you read this book is that you would be reminded that you are not alone and that we have a Lord and Savior in Jesus Christ who is “close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Proverbs 34:18.
Like all books, this one has its limitations. For those who have experienced the relational pain of spiritual abuse and narcissism, books can be a helpful resource, but there is also the need for redemptive relationships. I would encourage you to see a counselor, a trusted pastor, or other professional to walk with you through the damage that has been done or that is happening currently. I appreciate and don’t take lightly your courage in picking up this book. I also hope that in addition to reading the book, you will choose to take the next healing step of inviting someone to walk with you as you process your story. While the book’s format addresses lessons learned on the frontlines of these situations I’ve included additional books and resources at the end to go deeper into the realities of these situations. Jesus warned of wolves that would attack the church. Denial and avoidance of painful conversations has allowed the epidemic of narcissism to spread within Christian communities. I hope that this book and the powerful stories of survivors will help provide practical guidance and a hopeful way forward for those in the church. I am thankful that as believers we are rooted in the finished work of Jesus Christ and the surpassing beauty of His gracious love.
Trust Should be Earned Not Given in Advance
“The glue that holds all relationships together—including the relationship between the leader and the led—is trust, and trust is based on integrity.” –Brian Tracy, How the Best Leaders Lead
An associate pastor once shared with me over lunch at a pastor’s conference how his senior pastor would routinely make fun of what their youth pastor was wearing while preaching: “He (the youth pastor) looks like a complete idiot up there when he wears that stupid bow tie.” When the Associate Pastor would challenge the comment or comments similar to that, it would always be met with, “Come on! I’m just kidding around; you don’t have to be so serious. Trust me. I’m just kidding around.” The Associate Pastor also went on to share how he had routinely been ridiculed and made fun of in the Senior Pastor’s sermons. It happened so frequently that a visiting pastor remarked after meeting him one Sunday, “So good to meet the butt of all the jokes.” First and foremost, narcissistic leaders are untrustworthy. Often we give these leaders the benefit of the doubt even when there is a consistent pattern of character issues and a lack of integrity. These leaders are not above the daily need of the Gospel, as well as accountability in their leadership. Often, we lose sight of their humanity as well as our own because of their power and authority. This role and position in the church should be an opportunity to serve, not feed on, the flock. Part of that feeding and entitlement by the spiritually abusive leader is a pattern of demanding that they should be trusted in advance, without question. While they demand 100 percent loyalty and absolute trust, they see vulnerability of staff, elders or congregants as information that can be weaponized at the drop of a hat.
J. Edgar Hoover, who led the FBI for decades, was said to have files on politicians, actors, and many others. Much of this information was used to blackmail people and as leverage for Hoover and the FBI. Spiritually abusive leaders in the church have been known to use “confidential” giving amounts, as well intimate details of churchgoers’ lives to exert pressure for their own purposes. I know of one staff person who had shared a personal story in confidence with her senior pastor. Within a week of her sharing, she disagreed and respectfully pushed back in a staff meeting with something that was being said, and the senior pastor quickly said in front of the whole staff, “The reason why you’re disagreeing with me seems like it is connected with your own issues with your dad.” His message was received. Absolute trust must be given and you will be punished if you ever question me publicly.
Throwing others under the bus at the drop of a hat allows them not only to protect their fragile false self and image but also to control the larger system. One pastor shared, “This person in leadership at our church demanded absolute loyalty and trust but was one of the most disloyal and untrustworthy people I had ever served with in the church or experienced in my thirty plus years in the corporate world. The only thing I was sure of was that if the shots started firing in a difficult situation, I was either going to be alone in the foxhole or stabbed in the back so he could protect himself.”
Despite their self-confident, better-than-thou exterior, these unhealthy leaders often betray feelings of weakness, insecurity, inferiority, jealousy, and cowardice. One friend and fellow pastor even summed them up as “emotional cripples.” These narcissistic individuals are given a pass by those around
them, many of whom are in a position to hold them accountable, by saying things like, “Well, that’s just how he is…” to excuse the pattern of behavior. This is a common sentiment around emotionally immature leaders who perpetuate dysfunction in the system. There is often an abdication of love and accountability towards the spiritual abuser who themselves is someone who bears God’s image. It is loving for there to be boundaries in our relationships. Often, we mistake giftedness for godliness and wrongly give trust in advance without it being earned over time.
Character in Leadership Matters
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” – Maya Angelou
An abusive leader or spiritually abusive system refuses to hear criticism. There is a complete unwillingness to be confronted about anything he or she is doing wrong. The well crafted image of hyper spirituality or professional competency masks the utter lack of character and integrity that they are deeply afraid will be exposed. To be confronted or challenged with the truth of what is really there is to challenge the false image and imposter that has been presented for all to see. To challenge this image and their lack of character is a matter of perceived life and death for them. This enslavement to always maintaining their image at all costs is a miserable and lonely existence. A narcissist’s bondage to maintaining their self-image means that their “self” love is not entirely accurate. They choose love of their image not their authentic self. Often at the expense of their true self, they are tirelessly enslaved to furthering an image of their competency, their attractiveness, and the perception of their intelligence.
Even the prophet Nathan, when confronting the false image of a just and good king with David’s sin of adultery and murder, did not use a straightforward approach. The narcissist, when challenged or when feeling threatened, will attack because the image must be protected. Truth doesn’t matter, justice doesn’t matter, and the people around them only matter insomuch as they can feed their image. They will constantly seek to seduce the individual or the larger community into believing that image they have crafted and not the true reality behind the facade. In 1 Samuel 9:2, God instructs Samuel on the bankruptcy of how humanity chooses their leaders: “But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Whether it’s politicians or pastors, we tend to choose our leaders by worldly metrics and look at the outward appearances. Loveless, narcissistic leadership is devastatingly catastrophic for a flock. Totalitarian regimes where there is bullying, dehumanization, and domineering leadership demand that the trains will run on time. However, the question that needs to be asked is, “But where are these trains taking me?” Narcissistic leaders tend to be intelligent, and articulate, exuding a disarming charm and charisma that gets things done in the short-term. These “accomplishments” in the church can cause us to miss the utter lack of shepherding that is taking place. This charm always runs out, exposing the lack of empathy, integrity, and any real semblance of servant leadership.
Even with the guidelines laid out for us in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 for picking elders in the church, we often fail to address that the very air we breathe is permeated with the AAA (Achievement, Attractiveness, Articulation) mindset. In so many of the ordination exams and pastoral candidating processes that I have talked to church leaders about over the years, the impact of the AAA mindset has been so apparent. One current pastor shared, “I’ve been through an extensive ordination exam process that included multiple written exams that took place over four months to complete all five exams sometimes between four to six hours each, a committee examination in front of five current elders, and being examined on the floor in front of eighty ruling and teaching elders. I was asked countless questions on Bible knowledge, church history, theology, my understanding of the sacraments, and church government. There were several hundred questions on these topics over multiple hours of examination. When I think about it in retrospect, we probably spent less than five minutes talking about my relationship with the Lord and even less on my marriage.”
Many of our approaches to leadership in the church fail to foster integration. We make doctrinal instruction and theological precision a priority, but we tend to neglect psychological healing and matters of the heart. We say we emphasize the cultivation of Christian character, but we consistently overlook psychological compulsions, relational woundedness, and emotional reactivity. This approach to leadership formation breeds dis-integrated pastors who sooner or later will implode—as will the ministries they are a part of. As a pastor or elder, theological orthodoxy is critically important to the health of the church, though the Bible is clear that our “good deeds” are filthy rags and cannot earn us salvation or God’s favor. The question that needs to be addressed by denominations and committees assigned with assessing the next generation of leaders in the church is, “Are we giving orthopraxy any consideration at all?” Where orthodoxy addresses right doctrine and teaching, orthopraxy means living the Christian life consistent with the example of Scripture. Orthopraxy is more concerned with the fruit of the Spirit and living a life consistent with the life of Christ than just being a gifted preacher or teacher. Orthodoxy and orthopraxy are both vital in assessing a leader in the church.
Writer and theologian Henri Nouwen lovingly stressed the importance of Christian leadership, writing: “The long painful history of the church is the history of people ever and again tempted to choose power over love, control over the cross, being a leader over being led. Those who resisted this temptation to the end and thereby give us hope are the true saints. One thing is clear to me: the temptation of power is greatest when intimacy is a threat. Much Christian leadership is exercised by people who do not know how to develop healthy, intimate relationships and have opted for power and control instead. Many Christian empire-builders have been people unable to give and receive love.” Narcissistic leaders who spiritually abuse those under their care are unable to give and receive love. These self-focused narcissistic leaders are famished for love, acceptance, and adoration, but they are unwilling to receive it in a healthy way that will turn their hearts towards the Lord and those who bear His image.
Rev. Michael Coggin (M.Div, MA of Counseling, LPC, NCC) is the Director of Care at Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Birmingham, Alabama. He also works through Global counseling Network to offer clinical counseling services to those outside of Birmingham, and specializes in caring for ministry leaders. His forthcoming book, "On Spiritual Abuse," is available soon.