Addressing Conflict

2 I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord. 3 Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.

4 REJOICE in the Lord always; again I will say, REJOICE. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 DO NOT BE ANXIOUS about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving LET YOUR REQUESTS BE KNOWN to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

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The Nature of Conflict

Washington D.C. is home to two political parties. Lately, it seems there is very little they agree on, other than disagreeing with each other. This is a city that generates reasons for conflict. Politics is a key driver of conflict and polarization in our country. But there are many others, greed, envy, malice, slander, insecurity, and jealousy come quickly to mind. The writers of the New Testament spend a fair amount of time talking about conflict and its sources.

In Washington, conflict does not just play out between parties. It plays out within parties, within offices, and within homes. This conflict can lead to avoiding people at the water cooler, eye-rolling in meetings, us asking, “is so and so going to be there,” and even actions that are taken to exile and alienate a person. It can lead to people saying, “I can’t stand that person,” or maybe even the kind of conflict that leads to people not talking for years.

Let’s be honest, sometimes conflict happens because we have been sinned against, and we deserve an apology. But sometimes it’s just that certain personality types get to us. Sometimes we just don’t care for the way people lead. Sometimes we just don’t care for the decision someone made, or the policy they support.

Now, sometimes, we can keep that completely to ourselves, and no one, not a soul, is aware of the conflict. But other times, perhaps more of the time, it spills out into public. Other people around us are aware that we’re not huge fans of someone, or that we even have it out for them.

The Problem of Conflict

Whatever the case, when conflict exists, our joy is diminished. And not only our joy, but the joy of those around us. We were created by God to live in community, and yet, because of the fall, community life brings conflict.

Paul refers to Christians as agents of reconciliation, but the reality is that we tolerate certain types of conflict and, at times, even create conflict. We see it, we experience it, and we live with it. Why? Perhaps because we don’t know what to do to end it? Perhaps we are afraid of poking the hornets’ nest. And if we really dig into it, we are often prone to doing things that bring the conflict about. So, what are we to do?

How do we work toward resolving the conflict?

Because conflict impedes our joy, those seeking to live in a posture of faithful presence must pursue gospel-reconciled lives. In the book of Philippians, we are presented with some helpful paradigms on addressing conflict, maintaining restoration, and living in joy and peace.

Name the Conflict

As Paul moves towards the conclusion of his epistle to the Philippians, a church filled with a mix of Gentiles and Jews, men and women, and people of all social classes, trying to figure out what it means to live as citizens of the Kingdom of God and to have flourishing lives, Paul moves from the theological to the personal and practical. And, honestly, it must have been a bit uncomfortable to have been in the congregation that day, but when we prioritize gospel-reconciled lives, it’s exactly what we would expect Paul to do.

People living in a posture of faithful presence must pursue gospel-reconciled lives.  To do so we must ask a number of questions. First, how do we pursue gospel-reconciled lives in the midst of conflict? Paul is glad that you asked.

I imagine two ladies sitting in church that morning listening to this letter, rejoicing that Paul had written their church. Thankful that Epaphroditus had given Paul such a detailed report that Paul was able to write this very pastoral letter. And, then, as they’re sensing the conclusion, they hear their own names being read to the whole congregation. I like to imagine that it came just as each of them was thinking that the other person really needed to hear this. And that’s when Paul names the conflict, out loud, for all to hear.

“I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord.”

Why would he do that? Because everyone was being impacted by it, and probably knew it, and were having to deal with it. What was the conflict? We have no idea because Paul properly does not tell us. But it was a problem and it needed to be dealt with. Getting the problem out in the public is scary, and maybe a bit embarrassing, but sometimes it needs to happen to begin the reconciliation process.

What Paul is asking them to do is agree in the Lord. What does that mean, “agree to disagree” – no, it means that they need to be in unity on the fact that they both serve Christ and trust that as they serve together through their differing gifts and differing opinions, they trust the Lord will advance his mission. But how will they get there?

Ask for help

Sometimes, enlisting the help of a third party is helpful.

3 Yes, I ask you also, true companion (singular), help these women.

Scholars are not sure if Paul is talking to them as a singular whole or if he is speaking to an individual, but he is clearly asking for help.  This is not public shaming. He is asking people, or a person, from within the very community these women call home to sit these women down and help them work it out, to talk through whatever their issues are: petty or substantive, an intentional or unintentional slight. Perhaps they each needed to be a bit more aware of their own personalities. Who knows? But they need help because they cannot work it out themselves.

Accentuate the positive

This takes some work, but it’s necessary for a healthy community and relationships.

…who have labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.

If you are going to mediate a conflict, it’s best to start with what the two parties already have in common. Paul reminds the whole congregation in public and out loud that these women were his partners in ministry (Yes, women played an important role in Paul’s ministry of church planting). They have toiled side by side, together for the gospel. They are fellow workers. They are members of the same team. And both of their names are written in the Book of Life. Why? Because both have been reconciled to God through Christ. If they have only one thing in common it is that they both enjoy the same God’s mercy.

We have no record of how this went. But if God cared enough to make sure that these women were remembered forever for their conflict, I like to think their kids and grandkids laughed about it every time heard the letter read in church.

Because Paul loves these women, and he loves the church, and he wants everyone to experience the joy of a gospel-reconciled life: the life-changing love of Jesus Christ - to have a significant life that has reconciled to God, despite the clear breach of relationship on our part, through the loving sacrifice of Christ which we know as the gospel.

How do we maintain reconciliation?

If that is how we pursue gospel--reconciled lives when there is conflict, how do we maintain gospel-reconciled lives? Again, Paul is glad you asked.

Be joyful

4 “REJOICE in the Lord! And again, I say REJOICE!”

Here we go again. Paul is typing in ALL CAPS for the Philippians as he implores the congregation, and these women, to find their joy in the fact that they are “in the Lord”, that they have been reconciled to the God who created them (that their conflict with him has ended), through his Son’s sacrifice. And because this is true, we should REJOICE!

If you don’t think that disposition makes a difference in how we respond, consider small kids. When our kids were little they could be playing, and having a great time, fall, hit their head (and then as we take a deep breath), get up, and keep running and laughing. At other times, when they were in a sour mood or a bit tired, they could have a Cheerio fall out of their hand and onto the floor, and burst into tears. As adults, we call this “having a bad day.”

There is a reason why this is first on the list. As Christians, we have a cause for joy that never goes away.  We should focus on it far more than we do. What would placing the source of our joy first in our minds, do for our disposition? How might that impact the way we wake up every morning to interact with our family? How might that impact the way we interact with others in our workplace? How might a disposition of rejoicing impact the way we experience differences in personality types? Our using joy to help navigate relationships should not depend on whether we are interacting with Christians or non-Christians. Remember, we are called to love our neighbors as ourselves.

Be reasonable

Reasonableness is a virtue that is mission-critical to resolving conflict.

5“Let your reasonableness (or gentleness) be known to all.”

This word had deep meaning in the first century when it came to how magistrates dealt with infractions. As Christians, we are called to experience transgressions, offenses, and even being rubbed the wrong way, from a position of grace, not to have the nickname - “The hammer.” This doesn’t mean ignoring injustice. But it does mean don’t try and jack somebody up to the max every time there is the slightest violation or transgression.

Right now, can you imagine a situation or a person that you are in conflict with? What would it look like for you to be reasonable and gentle in the way you respond to someone who is upset because they did not get their way?  What would it look like for you to be reasonable and gentle in the way we respond when we did not get our way, again? Most importantly, consider what that would cost you.

Be expectant

“The Lord is at hand!”

This phrase seems a bit odd and abrupt. It’s not really connected grammatically to the idea before or ahead, but that doesn’t mean it’s not an integral part of Paul’s thought. Whether Paul intends to say, “Consider the Lord as being in your midst,” or the more likely, “The Lord may return at any time.” The impact is the same. How might living each day with the understanding that the Lord is in our midst or expectation that this could be the day the Lord returns impact the things that lead to conflict and the way we work to pursue reconciliation? What if we carried ourselves like the Lord was in our midst? How would that impact the way we let incidents and people get under our skin?

Be confident, not anxious

6 DO NOT BE ANXIOUS about anything.

The Philippians had a lot to be anxious about. How would the Romans react to them declaring “Jesus, not Caesar, is Lord?” Would their civic and family lives change because of their new faith? Would they be disowned? Would their shops no longer be frequented? Paul does not ask that we act like we don’t have troubles. Instead, he asks that we not let our troubles eat us alive. Consider the impact of your anxiety and worry on your attitude towards others and how your predisposition inclines you to look for offense and intensifies your response. When we are anxious we are ripe for conflict. Instead of anxiety, Christians are called to be people who embrace gospel-confident living - not in their circumstances or accomplishments but in their position in Christ.

Be prayerful

How do we move from anxiety to confidence? Again, Paul goes back to the ALL CAPS approach.

“but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, LET YOUR REQUESTS BE KNOWN to God.

Here is a simple truth: Praying is always the most you can do in any situation. Why, because in prayer, we are addressing our Father, who invites us to come to him with our requests. And, since he is the God of steadfast love and promises and the creator of the universe, getting him involved is probably a good thing. Remember when you were a kid and getting a partner involved was sometimes the last resort? As Christians, it should always be our first resort.  We should pray for everything: our job situation, our family situation, our absolute confusion on how to deal with someone.

Be positive

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things

In other words, don’t ignore the faults, but focus of the good. Our minds are talking to us all the time, and if we are not careful, we can let our minds run us headlong into conflict by concentrating on people’s or situation’s negative attributes. Paul is encouraging another way. The Philippians are not the only ones who needed to hear this. Paul had told the Corinthians the same thing when he said love is patient, love is kind when he wrote to that church in conflict. He wrote the same thing to the Thessalonian church. If conflict existed in the churches that Paul planted and cared for, it will certainly exist for us serving and leading in Washington.

This week we should all play “Train Your Brain.” Every time you run into a situation with someone that leaves you feeling irritated about them, make a list using verse 8 as your guide. Again, I am not asking you to pretend like they are not irritating, but I want you to make a list of what is good, and I want you to pray. And to consider that this is how God sees you now that you are in him.

Be imitators of mature disciples

9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things.

Paul’s instruction here is to live in a posture of faithful presence and living in a posture of faithful presence in a city that seems to nurture conflict requires whole-life discipleship. In this passage, Paul has focused primarily on relational discipleship. But working through conflict in a gospel-centered manner requires sipirutal, emotional, relational, vocational, ideological, cultural and missional discipleship. This is what is required if we are to follow Paul’s final instruction for dealing with conflict.

Losing conflict - gaining peace

Where does this lead? Paul tells us twice. First, in verse 7,

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And again in verse 9,

“practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

What is the peace of God? We experience the peace of God by resting in the fact that we have peace with God, and by considering how we got it (not by our work but by the work of Christ) we can come to enjoy the peace that we have with God because of the gospel. Don’t leave this thinking this was just an article based on how a positive attitude leads to less conflict (even though it does).  It is an article on how having a gospel-reconciled life leads to less conflict and experiencing the peace of God. Because having peace with God through the gospel, brings us the peace of God which passes understanding, and will guard our heart and minds from the thoughts and feelings that lead to conflict. When we live gospel reconciled lives, we live lives that are planted in the middle of the garden of the peace of God. This is what enables us to live lives in a posture of faithful presence.